It goes something like this. . .

"You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again"

Lyrics - "On The Radio" Regina Spektor.

Except you see, that last bit may be the hardest part. Sometimes I'd rather not go through it all again, I'd rather be more guarded than I once was. I am happy to have been fortunate enough to have been in love, I am thankful for everything we got to experience together. It is crazy because we were so young and it all happened to be happening at a significant time in our lives - graduating high school, starting college, living together in Toledo, just trying to figure shit out - it's nuts. Nonetheless I loved and had someone who loved me back, fully and deeply, and perhaps that is the reason it still hurts so fucking bad. It changes from good to ok to not so good to crying in bed. . . pathetically sad. I did better for awhile though - then that suitor went away and the next, and the next. . . Anyway like I said, it comes and it goes and one day I thought it was almost gone but then he called.

It was out of nowhere. Three months since I've spoken to him and forever since I've seen him. I had many mixed emotions about it, I was a hot mess. It was so weird hearing his voice and hearing about everything he's experienced since joining the marines, it made a lot of things better and a lot of things worse. It is very hard to explain. At first I hated him - not just for the things he said but because he had changed so much. . . for the better - something he couldn't have done when we were together. Then I was sad and cry face, and then I was completely cool. Then last night I had one too many alcoholic beverages and may or may not have sent two text messages acting mildly insane followed by a voicemail I may or may not recall. . . Yet aside from that moment of insanity I was facing I realized something that is so obvious and true. Just because it's real doesn't mean it's going to work.

Because it was real, is real. It won't ever work and as much as I would love to hear from him often and no everything about his life I know we won't be able to be close like that because it would hurt both of us at this point. In the hour I spoke to him or feelings for each other were apparent, he asked if I was dating anyone and when I said that I wasn't his attitude changed and he said something like "I don't know why I'm asking I don't want to hear about that shit". I appreciate what we had and what we made. He is someone I care very much for and I will for a very long time but that stage of my life is over - like many others - and I need to move forward with everything like I have been.

So thank you for being an amazing first love. I just hope if anything happens to you when you go to war - which you more than likely will go - someone from your family remembers to tell me. Good luck.

Victorian Inspiration.

I'm really into "Victorian" styled clothing at the moment. I like all the frilly and fussiness to it. Detail, detail, detail.

Also, these Miu Miu booties are too cute. I did some shopping this week, I didn't get anything note worthy aside from this cute little dress I bought on clearance. I can't wait to wear it.

A few pictures from the past few days. I spent a good amount of the past week at Kalahari resort in Sandusky with my family. Going back to work today.

I don't know what I want but. . .

I know what I don't want.

A job where no matter how much time and effort I put in no one ever tells me I'm doing a good job, no praise for anything. A job where my manager is someone, in all honesty, deserves no respect because they don't do anything to deserve it. They act childish, lie, steal, and brag about things that just make them look like a worthless piece of shit. A job where I get paid less than what I deserve for all the work I do. I'd like a job where people actually get raises. A job where you get your hours cut for sticking up for yourself, and for the attention you get from guys. . . because that is seriously the attention I'm seeking, that of restaurant cooks.

I don't want friends who lie, who constantly befriend the people they try to "warn" me against. Friends who would rather get fucked up than keep their promises, who are disrespectful and jealous. Ones who sincerely hurt me, know so, and half-heartedly apologize only to do it again. Friends who talk shit behind my back, who try to preach to me when they're the ones who look like a walking joke. Friends who make fun of our other friends to guys, maybe to try and make themselves sound better? When all they do is look desperate, not that they care because things of the sort must be in their nature. Ones who have no self respect, which without is obviously hard to respect others.

I don't want an easy ride. I want to work hard for everything that I want, and I want to do it right.

I don't want a family who is racist, a family who capitalizes on any small imperfection to make themselves seem better. Even when they are the sad miserable ones who have no heart. I don't want a family that is jealous of each other, and you actually like breaking each other down.

I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone, and I don't want to live in a world where people think that separate is equal. Where those different create fear in others. A world where people can not except change or any different ideas.

I am moving, and I hope it's soon.

I am very fortunate to have had been sucsesful and been offered more than one job, in more than one country. It has been an exciting process and it is so hard to make up my mind. My mom wants me to stay close - there is a position in Indiana - but I want to go overseas or to California. Actually my top choice is Athens, Greece but he is interviewing more than just me. I got the job in California, it is in a suburb of L.A. and it seems legit but I'm waiting to hear back from Greece. Those two are my top choices for sure. Greece came as a suprise, as did Spain, I wanted one in Munich haha.

Athens, Greece.

I cant believe I went threw with it and I can't believe I could be leaving within the next month - two months. California I would leave very soon, and Greece would be in mid-January. I'm so ready to get out of this place and I found my way.

Halloween (round two and three)

I had a pretty fun Halloween yesterday, work was busy as fuck though. The good thing was we got to dress up a little at work! Always fun :) Getting to wear anything besides that nasty teal polo is what's up. Thursday at work we had a Halloween party for the kids and we were PACKED. I've never seen so many kids in there, they were annoying the crap out of me but it was fun. Some were so adorable in their costumes. We turned the buffet into a 'candy buffet', with candies and little pencils, rings, erasers, etc. . . We also had face painting set up and played bingo. My dad and step-mom brought in my sister! I was excited, and she dressed as Wonder Woman hehe.

Sakura and I at my works kids Halloween party.

Left: Mika, Alaina, Amya. Right: Jessica, Stephanie, me.

After work last night I went up to BG with Jess and Sakeena, we went to some frat party then to Uptown and home. The party was busted so I did what I do best, DIP. Haha. I jumped the fence and two guys helped me because I was shoeless and I have a broken hand so it was little difficult but we got away. We didn't even get into Uptown because the line was FOREVER long and even though some boys let us get in the front it wasn't worth it, blahh. The line was kind of fun though ha.

Me and Jess were a devil and angel, and our costumes were pretty boring but we didn't care. Sakeena was adorable though! I loved the maid outfit.

Tonight is the last Halloween party for me this year, I am going as a jail bird and Geneva is the cop haha.

Halloween (round one)

It was Dakotahs birthday this Saturday and she had a costume theme party, it was very fun. I opted out of the referee costume and was a cat haha. I can't wait for the weekend, and more Halloween parties.

The cake war was defiantly one of the highlights, and wasn't that bumble bee girl adorable?

Good times, good times :)

There are a million more pictures on my facebook.

Current Obsessions I

First a quick update of my week. . . This week has been pretty crazy, crazier than most others anyway. Monday night was fun until oh about two in the morning. . . then I had a little encounter with a State Highway patrol officer. He was very nice, and let me go (thank god, and thank you whoever you are officer) but I still felt like an idiot when I was calling people from the police station in the middle of the night asking them to pick me up (sorry mom and thanks again Alex). That was just the start of it all. Doctors was Tuesday, I'm sick. Sick enough for two anti-biotic's apparently but whatever I am feeling a little better. Wednesday we were in BG, that was actually a pretty quiet night. Thursday night. . . well Thursday night I had a little altercation and I'm pretty sure my fucking hand is broken. For real. My shits so swollen and blue, and it hurts like a mother fucker. I'm also out of pain killers until I make to the doctors/pharmacy again, so if anyone knows a good street pharmacist that could help me out in the mean time. . . (I kid). I can't write, I can't type (with my right hand), I can't blow dry my hair by myself, etc. I feel like a cripple and that makes me sad. On a good note I paid over $200 in bills this week! That is very good if you know me, ha.

Anyway, aside from all the dramz I've been enjoying quite a few things lately. Mainly Gin, the super cute and talented singer/song writer from New Zealand. I knew I was going to heart her the moment I heard her song "Under My Skin". Her myspace page describes her voice and style like so. . . "Vocally she runs from Macy Gray to Blondie to Edith Piaf. Musically she moves between Feist and Broken Social Scene to Neil Young and Fiona Apple, while lyrically she moves from sorrow to sunshine. " It really was love at first listen. I want her EP, it only has five songs and I've only been able to find two to download. I am going to buy it, I love every song so far. "These Roses" and "Hallelujah" are my favorites, "Hallelujah" actually mad me cry, it's very a pretty/sad song about her losing her father to cancer. Anyway, she is worth checking out - I think she'll be very successful one day.

The Selby.com is one of my favorite websites, I love looking at all the apartments and houses all of which are decorated very modern, very cool. A current favorite is a designer by the name of Chase Cohl (click the image to the right to see more images of her NYC Soho apartment), I absolutely love her style. I totally dig the James Dean poster and all the feathers/animal print, it's all very me. The big lips above her bed, as well as outside give me a vibe of Betsey Johnson (one of my absolute favorite designers). The entire site is worth a check out.

People are probably sick of hearing me talk about Bianca Casady, but I don't even care. I love her. What I love almost as much as her is her art, it is so unique and interesting. This one to the left is meant to hang sideways for some reason, I don't have any clue what she meant by it but I like it. There are many more, non drug related ones. Maybe you'd like? Click the image to the left to check out some more. I'm sure her artwork ranges from the mid $100's to $1,000's but I really would love a piece of it. Particularly a native American 'hood' piece, or an animal. . . you just need to look at the yourself to have any idea what I'm talking about I think! The picture to the left links to her website.

Alexander McQueen bags = major lust.
I'm beyond lusting over one of these bags and there are so many perfect ones! I love this black and gray one. I didn't see one like it at the Alexander McQueen boutique in Las Vegas. I did see a somewhat similar one in navy, both from his Autum 08' collection. Image links to his 'womens bags' part of the site. I also really heart the union jack clutch with skull clip, so cute. I love the little toy soldiers and airplanes on these bags, you might recognize them from the bag I posted in my Las Vegas post a few weeks ago. There are many, many more bags that don't have any knick-nacks on them but are equally as amazing. The metallic, almost rust-ish, purple colored ones are another favorite of mine! If I had two grand for a bag, I'd be very tempted by this collection.

There are so more things I planned on adding, and I will in a later post but this took me like an hour to type out being only to do so with my left hand. . . :)

I can't wait for Halloween.

I love Halloween time.

Love, love, love. I love the weather, all the horrible decorations, the stories, the costumes, and just about everything that goes along with it. The entire phenomena of Halloween has had me hyped since I was little.

I carved a pumpkin today! It was exciting times, Kylee was there too and she attempted to carve one lol. I bought some stencils and carving supplies at the Wal-Mart today. It took us like two hours but it was worth it, for me anyway. I used the skull and crossbones stencil but I messed up and accidentally cut off his other eye and nose, oops.

I was a flapper last year, and I loved that costume. I picked out two costumes for this year today. I'm going out the Friday Halloween is on, as well as the next day. My dad is throwing a Halloween party that Saturday so the jail-bird costume is for that, nothing too trashy in front of my family. The referee costume isn't exactly what I was looking for but I am altering it and it's going to be badass. I'm adding some 'poof' to the skirt and replacing the chest patch thing, I'll post a picture of the finished product. I really wanted to be the Mad Hatter this year but I didn't think anyone would get it and the costume was pretty expensive (since I was already buying two I opted not to). Next year I want to be a 50's waitress, sailor, Alice, or the Mad Hatter.

Something I would also like to do next year is spend the night at the Ohio State Reformatory in Mansfield, Oh. It's only $50 and you get to stay over night in the prison with a group and tour guide, it'd be scary as fuck but fun! You have to be 21 to stay over night so I have to wait, plus the tickets sell out months in advance.

I will post pictures of both costumes once I alter them and make them mine.

Viva Las Vegas

Wynn Hotel - Las Vegas, Nevada
September 26th - 30th.

If you want to see the pictures in full size click on them and press 'open', or check out my facebook.

I had a wonderful time in Las Vegas, as expected. I absolutely love that city. Zac Posen describes it as a "bizarre oasis" because it is in the middle of the dessert, and I agree. Las Vegas is amazing all around and I will live there one day. Here are a few snapshots the lovely Wynn Hotel!

We stayed at the ultra-fabulous Wynn Hotel/Resort on the strip. It is one of the newer hotels and by far one of the best. It is beautiful, everything about the place is perfect. The rooms were adorable, Andy Warhol's "Flowers" (prints) hang in every resort room. The walls are painted with a bronze coating and the beds are seriously the most comfortable ever, I don't think I've ever slept so good and comfortably. The bathrooms were huge, and I totally loved the shower and super cute vanity. The view from our floor to ceiling windows was phenomenal, we had a view of the golf course in back, pools, and a little bit of the city as well!

The whole hotel was full of cute little details, the hallways and elevators were decorated with butterflies and fabric walls. The casino, lobbies, everything. . . gorgeous. I loved the paisley and floral carpet in the hallways!

I spent some time wandering around the casino, I can't wait until I am old enough to gamble. . . ha. The bottom right image is the center piece in Harrah's casino (where we stayed last time).

The shopping (as always) is my favorite part of Las Vegas, I love being around fine retail stores even if I can't afford anything in them haha. Wynn hotel had a handful of very fine stores including Chanel, Graff, Alexander McQueen, and Oscar de la Renta just to name a few. They also had an OutFit and ShoeIn boutique that had many items from awesome designers. I fell in love with this Oscar de la Renta gown (top left image) and lusted after this Alexander McQueen bag (top left). These shops were down a hall called "The Esplanade", also lovely and full of detail! The pictures below show some more of the stores and some of the pretty detail on The Esplanade!

Below are just a few random images from Las Vegas, me outside Ceaser's Palace and in the Palazzo Hotel.

I had a good birthday for the most part (28th), my mom bought me a really cool pair of Michael Kors boots, a necklace at Armani Exchange, and a few things at the VS PINK store in the Forum shops. I bought a pair of Oscar de la Renta sunglasses too. I stocked up on some fresh MAC makeup courtesy of the MAC store in Ceaser's Forum Shops and thanks to Nic, the adorable makeup artist who helped me pick out my eyeliner (I loved his!). I was very disappointed that the Cher concert was canceled. . . that being the main reason I wanted to go to Las Vegas for my birthday. Apparently Cher fell ill and is out until 2009, I hope everything is ok but I was still sad. I love her! I did get to see some costumes of hers, as well as a few Bob Mackie gowns, notably the ones worn to the Oscars in the 1980's. Below are pictures from the Forum Shops and Cher costumes, etc...

I had a very nice trip. Again, I can not stress how much I love Las Vegas. Even if I missed seeing Cher, it's not a big deal, just an excuse to come back in 2009, which I will! On my last day there we did more shopping and I treated myself to a small Coach purse. It is adorable. We also had dinner at SW, one of the restaurants in Wynn. Our bill was $140! My mom and I shared the Porterhouse Steak for two and had a side of asparagus and potatoes au gratin. It was bangin, haha. I asked for an apple juice which our server, Chris, said they did not serve but they would get. I told him they didn't have to do all that but he insisted and two minutes later I had the smallest $6 apple juice sitting in front of me, lol. The restaurant is so pretty, and there is a show on the Lake of Dreams outside every 30 minutes that we saw. The whole thing was almost magical, I loved it. There was this little old lady that was eating alone and had a stuffed teddy bear sitting across from her, that made me sad. Anyway below are three pictures, the desert mint from SW, the water show, and me before dinner. I was sticking my chest out funny when I posed so I look a little pregnant (empire waist), and the dress was actually a deep teal, not blue.

Vegas <3

I have a video on my youtube account from vegas, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMLKdb5blfI to check it out!