Monday, August 25, 2008

it never made sense to them anyway.

today brad left for basic training.
i couldn't tell you what time he left, i couldn't tell you how emotional the good-bye was because we didn't really have one. yesterday was the last time we spoke, it was all half hearted and short but i couldn't imagine it being any other way. we've been through some shit, and i know that deep down (or maybe it has something to with the calls we make to eachother when we are inhebriated) he still loves me, and he cares about me, and i bet you he still thinks about me everyday. i know it's not just wishful thinking. love gives you a sixth sense about somethings, and i do still love him too.
i have realized though, that things will never be the same and that we can never go back (not that i would nesacarily want to do that). he was my everything, my every thought for two years and since we've broken up i've learned a lot about myself and it was actually nice. not that the breaking up was easy, lord knows it hurts... still, yeah.
another man wasn't the answer (or a few other men), drugs make you feel great til' you come down, same with alcohol. not that i'm saying heartache is to be cured with any of the above, but it was worth a shot.
this summer i fucked up my credit, spent way to much money with nothing to show for it (my wardrobe is even suffering), tried a few things (some good, some not so good at all), met a lot of people (again some good, some not), didn't get to travel, didn't get to do a lot of things i would have enjoyed doing but i learned a lot, and life is about enjoying the ride anyway (or at least i believe so).
anyway, i'm trying to get on track. i'm trying to get my life around. i have big dreams, but i lack ambition and motivation... i'll work on that. i'm getting used to me, i'm getting used to not having that other half to help prop me up.
i still love him, and i always will... but now is the time for letting go, no matter how hard it's gonna be.


Leah said...

hi, stumbled across your blog randomly...i won't say i know how you feel because i hate that, but i will say that i'm pretty sure i have been where you are, in some form, very recently. i just stood up to myself, took charge of my shit, and things have been getting better...slowly, but better! cool blog.