It goes something like this. . .

"You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again"

Lyrics - "On The Radio" Regina Spektor.

Except you see, that last bit may be the hardest part. Sometimes I'd rather not go through it all again, I'd rather be more guarded than I once was. I am happy to have been fortunate enough to have been in love, I am thankful for everything we got to experience together. It is crazy because we were so young and it all happened to be happening at a significant time in our lives - graduating high school, starting college, living together in Toledo, just trying to figure shit out - it's nuts. Nonetheless I loved and had someone who loved me back, fully and deeply, and perhaps that is the reason it still hurts so fucking bad. It changes from good to ok to not so good to crying in bed. . . pathetically sad. I did better for awhile though - then that suitor went away and the next, and the next. . . Anyway like I said, it comes and it goes and one day I thought it was almost gone but then he called.

It was out of nowhere. Three months since I've spoken to him and forever since I've seen him. I had many mixed emotions about it, I was a hot mess. It was so weird hearing his voice and hearing about everything he's experienced since joining the marines, it made a lot of things better and a lot of things worse. It is very hard to explain. At first I hated him - not just for the things he said but because he had changed so much. . . for the better - something he couldn't have done when we were together. Then I was sad and cry face, and then I was completely cool. Then last night I had one too many alcoholic beverages and may or may not have sent two text messages acting mildly insane followed by a voicemail I may or may not recall. . . Yet aside from that moment of insanity I was facing I realized something that is so obvious and true. Just because it's real doesn't mean it's going to work.

Because it was real, is real. It won't ever work and as much as I would love to hear from him often and no everything about his life I know we won't be able to be close like that because it would hurt both of us at this point. In the hour I spoke to him or feelings for each other were apparent, he asked if I was dating anyone and when I said that I wasn't his attitude changed and he said something like "I don't know why I'm asking I don't want to hear about that shit". I appreciate what we had and what we made. He is someone I care very much for and I will for a very long time but that stage of my life is over - like many others - and I need to move forward with everything like I have been.

So thank you for being an amazing first love. I just hope if anything happens to you when you go to war - which you more than likely will go - someone from your family remembers to tell me. Good luck.

I don't know what I want but. . .

I know what I don't want.

A job where no matter how much time and effort I put in no one ever tells me I'm doing a good job, no praise for anything. A job where my manager is someone, in all honesty, deserves no respect because they don't do anything to deserve it. They act childish, lie, steal, and brag about things that just make them look like a worthless piece of shit. A job where I get paid less than what I deserve for all the work I do. I'd like a job where people actually get raises. A job where you get your hours cut for sticking up for yourself, and for the attention you get from guys. . . because that is seriously the attention I'm seeking, that of restaurant cooks.

I don't want friends who lie, who constantly befriend the people they try to "warn" me against. Friends who would rather get fucked up than keep their promises, who are disrespectful and jealous. Ones who sincerely hurt me, know so, and half-heartedly apologize only to do it again. Friends who talk shit behind my back, who try to preach to me when they're the ones who look like a walking joke. Friends who make fun of our other friends to guys, maybe to try and make themselves sound better? When all they do is look desperate, not that they care because things of the sort must be in their nature. Ones who have no self respect, which without is obviously hard to respect others.

I don't want an easy ride. I want to work hard for everything that I want, and I want to do it right.

I don't want a family who is racist, a family who capitalizes on any small imperfection to make themselves seem better. Even when they are the sad miserable ones who have no heart. I don't want a family that is jealous of each other, and you actually like breaking each other down.

I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone, and I don't want to live in a world where people think that separate is equal. Where those different create fear in others. A world where people can not except change or any different ideas.

i'm not going back - to rags or in the holes

First off, you are dumb. You know who you are.

Word: Disappointment.
That is the best way to describe my week. I've had a bad one. From small to large - disappointment was ever present this week. Without getting into details and telling multiple stories of how my week sucked, that is all it was. Seven days of pure disappointment. Get it yet?

Many things were my fault (waking up for my hair appointment) but most of the stress was caused by friends (seriously?). I can't, and will never, get over the feeling you get after you have spent so much of your time and emotional energy to try to help someone out. To try and guide them, convince and influence them to do something that they should already be doing. I'm not even attempting to allude that I am anywhere close to perfect but somethings are just so... obvious? common sense maybe? You just want to smack the other person and be like "What the fuck are you thinking?" - not that it will help anymore than anything else you've tried. I hate getting to the point where you think you are getting through to someone to have them do a complete 360 and be back at square one. I tried friend, good luck and I'd like to say I wouldn't be here when you come back crying to everyone for help but I probably will. I wouldn't like to be because I feel like you don't care about yourself or your life enough to ever (want) get help. You're turning into one of the girls you talk about.

I'm so ready for Las Vegas, I love Vegas! I am excited to get away and have virtually no worries for the weekend.

it never made sense to them anyway.

today brad left for basic training.
i couldn't tell you what time he left, i couldn't tell you how emotional the good-bye was because we didn't really have one. yesterday was the last time we spoke, it was all half hearted and short but i couldn't imagine it being any other way. we've been through some shit, and i know that deep down (or maybe it has something to with the calls we make to eachother when we are inhebriated) he still loves me, and he cares about me, and i bet you he still thinks about me everyday. i know it's not just wishful thinking. love gives you a sixth sense about somethings, and i do still love him too.
i have realized though, that things will never be the same and that we can never go back (not that i would nesacarily want to do that). he was my everything, my every thought for two years and since we've broken up i've learned a lot about myself and it was actually nice. not that the breaking up was easy, lord knows it hurts... still, yeah.
another man wasn't the answer (or a few other men), drugs make you feel great til' you come down, same with alcohol. not that i'm saying heartache is to be cured with any of the above, but it was worth a shot.
this summer i fucked up my credit, spent way to much money with nothing to show for it (my wardrobe is even suffering), tried a few things (some good, some not so good at all), met a lot of people (again some good, some not), didn't get to travel, didn't get to do a lot of things i would have enjoyed doing but i learned a lot, and life is about enjoying the ride anyway (or at least i believe so).
anyway, i'm trying to get on track. i'm trying to get my life around. i have big dreams, but i lack ambition and motivation... i'll work on that. i'm getting used to me, i'm getting used to not having that other half to help prop me up.
i still love him, and i always will... but now is the time for letting go, no matter how hard it's gonna be.