It goes something like this. . .

"You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again"

Lyrics - "On The Radio" Regina Spektor.

Except you see, that last bit may be the hardest part. Sometimes I'd rather not go through it all again, I'd rather be more guarded than I once was. I am happy to have been fortunate enough to have been in love, I am thankful for everything we got to experience together. It is crazy because we were so young and it all happened to be happening at a significant time in our lives - graduating high school, starting college, living together in Toledo, just trying to figure shit out - it's nuts. Nonetheless I loved and had someone who loved me back, fully and deeply, and perhaps that is the reason it still hurts so fucking bad. It changes from good to ok to not so good to crying in bed. . . pathetically sad. I did better for awhile though - then that suitor went away and the next, and the next. . . Anyway like I said, it comes and it goes and one day I thought it was almost gone but then he called.

It was out of nowhere. Three months since I've spoken to him and forever since I've seen him. I had many mixed emotions about it, I was a hot mess. It was so weird hearing his voice and hearing about everything he's experienced since joining the marines, it made a lot of things better and a lot of things worse. It is very hard to explain. At first I hated him - not just for the things he said but because he had changed so much. . . for the better - something he couldn't have done when we were together. Then I was sad and cry face, and then I was completely cool. Then last night I had one too many alcoholic beverages and may or may not have sent two text messages acting mildly insane followed by a voicemail I may or may not recall. . . Yet aside from that moment of insanity I was facing I realized something that is so obvious and true. Just because it's real doesn't mean it's going to work.

Because it was real, is real. It won't ever work and as much as I would love to hear from him often and no everything about his life I know we won't be able to be close like that because it would hurt both of us at this point. In the hour I spoke to him or feelings for each other were apparent, he asked if I was dating anyone and when I said that I wasn't his attitude changed and he said something like "I don't know why I'm asking I don't want to hear about that shit". I appreciate what we had and what we made. He is someone I care very much for and I will for a very long time but that stage of my life is over - like many others - and I need to move forward with everything like I have been.

So thank you for being an amazing first love. I just hope if anything happens to you when you go to war - which you more than likely will go - someone from your family remembers to tell me. Good luck.

Thanks for giving.

Lust of the moment. . .

Rick Owens Fall 2008 ankle boots.

I have really been loving Rick Owens lately, I love his runway shows and they are just so hard to even describe. Beautiful, and these boots are great. A great version of the boots that caused quite the stir recently, you know the ones. . .

Things have been fine lately, getting prepared to move is making me a little nervous. . . I feel so unprepared it's ridiculous. I can't wait though, it will be an experience! And L.A.? Um, yeah I am so there! I feel so fortunate to get out of this shit hole town and explore an entire different part of the country and really just get to experience living in southern California. My dad lived in Sacramento for a few years when I was younger and I liked it, San Francisco being my most favorite. I have been south, but never lived there. Exciting times.

Happy Thanksgiving, Ashton.

SHOES I.

There have been so many shoes over the past few seasons that I have been smitten by. Here are a few favorites...

 
Shoes by Givenchy. Photos from Jak & Jil.

 
Gareth Pugh. Retro, maybe even space-age judging from the rest of this collection.

Marc Jacobs. Innovative, I love what Marc Jacobs did with the heels in his collection.

Yves St. Laurent. :)

Chanel. This is my favorite, I don't know why.

Christian Louboutin. You really have a certain kind of person to be able to pull these bad boys off.

Ann Demeulemeester. Photo Sea of Shoes. They are fabulous, I love the heel.

Balenciaga. Photo from here. They remind me of Mary-Kate Olsen.

Interesting. . .

No one cares? Someone from the Bowling Green State University computer lab sure does. . . That same person also (according to the stat data) watched my video on youtube more than once, frequently visits my myspace, and is a HUGE fan of my bulletins - reading them more than one time per day.

There were many, MANY more logs like these above.

Call me. . . unblocked? Call me. . . when you don't need your friends as back up? Call me. . . when you won't have your boyfriend text me asking me to leave you alone? I'm sorry, I know you are one of the most insecure people I have ever met, but you are seriously still stuck on me? Girl you are obsessed, but I love it. I love how you "prank" me, how you have to hide behind everything because you know, haha you know what would happen otherwise. I can not wait until I see you, because I will. I don't care where I see you - on the street, at a restaurant or store - you WILL get yours and it WILL be worth the consequences. In the meantime I look forward to those phone calls. I would be so embarrassed to be you, mainly look like you, but at least you are a pretty girl with nice style. . . bahahahah.

:)

DIY: Refurbish your old shoes!

I bought this pair of booties last winter and got a decent amount of wear out of them. I recently found them and realized how worn out they looked, they were missing the side button and the heels were pretty scuffed.

So... I made them into a project. It was so easy, yet a little time consuming. I was inspired by the jeweled Miu Miu pumps from Spring 08'. I just individually glued on a bunch of different rhinestones then made the bows in place of where the original buttons were. Who knows if these things will ever be worn out, though I'm sure they will. They're a little over the top, definitely a statement piece of footwear.

Hey girl ;)

Victorian Inspiration.

I'm really into "Victorian" styled clothing at the moment. I like all the frilly and fussiness to it. Detail, detail, detail.

Also, these Miu Miu booties are too cute. I did some shopping this week, I didn't get anything note worthy aside from this cute little dress I bought on clearance. I can't wait to wear it.

A few pictures from the past few days. I spent a good amount of the past week at Kalahari resort in Sandusky with my family. Going back to work today.

I don't know what I want but. . .

I know what I don't want.

A job where no matter how much time and effort I put in no one ever tells me I'm doing a good job, no praise for anything. A job where my manager is someone, in all honesty, deserves no respect because they don't do anything to deserve it. They act childish, lie, steal, and brag about things that just make them look like a worthless piece of shit. A job where I get paid less than what I deserve for all the work I do. I'd like a job where people actually get raises. A job where you get your hours cut for sticking up for yourself, and for the attention you get from guys. . . because that is seriously the attention I'm seeking, that of restaurant cooks.

I don't want friends who lie, who constantly befriend the people they try to "warn" me against. Friends who would rather get fucked up than keep their promises, who are disrespectful and jealous. Ones who sincerely hurt me, know so, and half-heartedly apologize only to do it again. Friends who talk shit behind my back, who try to preach to me when they're the ones who look like a walking joke. Friends who make fun of our other friends to guys, maybe to try and make themselves sound better? When all they do is look desperate, not that they care because things of the sort must be in their nature. Ones who have no self respect, which without is obviously hard to respect others.

I don't want an easy ride. I want to work hard for everything that I want, and I want to do it right.

I don't want a family who is racist, a family who capitalizes on any small imperfection to make themselves seem better. Even when they are the sad miserable ones who have no heart. I don't want a family that is jealous of each other, and you actually like breaking each other down.

I don't want to have to explain myself to anyone, and I don't want to live in a world where people think that separate is equal. Where those different create fear in others. A world where people can not except change or any different ideas.

IT'S FINAL!

All the final arrangements are being made. I am moving to Norco, California which is right outside Corona, California (about 100 miles from Los Angeles and San Diego). I am leaving the first or second week of December and returning for a few days around Christmas time, then back to California. I am so excited, I haven't said "no" to Greece yet but I will next time he calls.

I can't wait to get out of Fremont and Ohio. I can't wait to get away from all the trash and leave Frisch's. I am so ready for change. My emotions go from being scared to nervous to excited and overwhelmed but I can't wait. I will miss my family, and my friends but this is what I want and I'm going to do it.

There are mountains there, I love mountains. I love the beach, I love California.

I am moving, and I hope it's soon.

I am very fortunate to have had been sucsesful and been offered more than one job, in more than one country. It has been an exciting process and it is so hard to make up my mind. My mom wants me to stay close - there is a position in Indiana - but I want to go overseas or to California. Actually my top choice is Athens, Greece but he is interviewing more than just me. I got the job in California, it is in a suburb of L.A. and it seems legit but I'm waiting to hear back from Greece. Those two are my top choices for sure. Greece came as a suprise, as did Spain, I wanted one in Munich haha.

Athens, Greece.

I cant believe I went threw with it and I can't believe I could be leaving within the next month - two months. California I would leave very soon, and Greece would be in mid-January. I'm so ready to get out of this place and I found my way.

Obama: President elect 2008

and yes we did.

Thank you to everyone who voted or went out and helped with the campaign. I work as a Democratic Judge last night, at 3-C, for almost 13 hours. I am so happy that Obama won, I am beyond ready for change, and for equality. I am also glad to see that less peoples rights will be taken away, mainly women's rights that were in danger. I know things are still going to bad for awhile before the get better, but I am ready for it. I am glad we have elected a president who inspires hope in us as a country.

A letter from Gin

This was SO exciting and very unexpected. I wrote a message to New Zealand pop/folk singer/songwriter Gin Wigmore on myspace about a week ago and she responded to me this morning, it was very exciting. I wrote about her in a previous entry. I am in love with her EP and this was just very cool of her.

Gin writes, "Cute wee pic there ashton! Thanks heaps for your love and support for my music, I am counting down the days to get back to the states, I bloody love the place!
Cheers for writing about me too..
Stay well,
Gin x".

Love <3

I have some more Halloween pictures from Saturday night I'll post soon.

Gin Wigmore Myspace

Halloween (round two and three)

I had a pretty fun Halloween yesterday, work was busy as fuck though. The good thing was we got to dress up a little at work! Always fun :) Getting to wear anything besides that nasty teal polo is what's up. Thursday at work we had a Halloween party for the kids and we were PACKED. I've never seen so many kids in there, they were annoying the crap out of me but it was fun. Some were so adorable in their costumes. We turned the buffet into a 'candy buffet', with candies and little pencils, rings, erasers, etc. . . We also had face painting set up and played bingo. My dad and step-mom brought in my sister! I was excited, and she dressed as Wonder Woman hehe.

Sakura and I at my works kids Halloween party.

Left: Mika, Alaina, Amya. Right: Jessica, Stephanie, me.

After work last night I went up to BG with Jess and Sakeena, we went to some frat party then to Uptown and home. The party was busted so I did what I do best, DIP. Haha. I jumped the fence and two guys helped me because I was shoeless and I have a broken hand so it was little difficult but we got away. We didn't even get into Uptown because the line was FOREVER long and even though some boys let us get in the front it wasn't worth it, blahh. The line was kind of fun though ha.

Me and Jess were a devil and angel, and our costumes were pretty boring but we didn't care. Sakeena was adorable though! I loved the maid outfit.

Tonight is the last Halloween party for me this year, I am going as a jail bird and Geneva is the cop haha.