Sunday, November 30, 2008

It goes something like this. . .

"You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again"

Lyrics - "On The Radio" Regina Spektor.

Except you see, that last bit may be the hardest part. Sometimes I'd rather not go through it all again, I'd rather be more guarded than I once was. I am happy to have been fortunate enough to have been in love, I am thankful for everything we got to experience together. It is crazy because we were so young and it all happened to be happening at a significant time in our lives - graduating high school, starting college, living together in Toledo, just trying to figure shit out - it's nuts. Nonetheless I loved and had someone who loved me back, fully and deeply, and perhaps that is the reason it still hurts so fucking bad. It changes from good to ok to not so good to crying in bed. . . pathetically sad. I did better for awhile though - then that suitor went away and the next, and the next. . . Anyway like I said, it comes and it goes and one day I thought it was almost gone but then he called.

It was out of nowhere. Three months since I've spoken to him and forever since I've seen him. I had many mixed emotions about it, I was a hot mess. It was so weird hearing his voice and hearing about everything he's experienced since joining the marines, it made a lot of things better and a lot of things worse. It is very hard to explain. At first I hated him - not just for the things he said but because he had changed so much. . . for the better - something he couldn't have done when we were together. Then I was sad and cry face, and then I was completely cool. Then last night I had one too many alcoholic beverages and may or may not have sent two text messages acting mildly insane followed by a voicemail I may or may not recall. . . Yet aside from that moment of insanity I was facing I realized something that is so obvious and true. Just because it's real doesn't mean it's going to work.

Because it was real, is real. It won't ever work and as much as I would love to hear from him often and no everything about his life I know we won't be able to be close like that because it would hurt both of us at this point. In the hour I spoke to him or feelings for each other were apparent, he asked if I was dating anyone and when I said that I wasn't his attitude changed and he said something like "I don't know why I'm asking I don't want to hear about that shit". I appreciate what we had and what we made. He is someone I care very much for and I will for a very long time but that stage of my life is over - like many others - and I need to move forward with everything like I have been.

So thank you for being an amazing first love. I just hope if anything happens to you when you go to war - which you more than likely will go - someone from your family remembers to tell me. Good luck.